Here it comes, the Steve entry. It has been nearly two months since we hugged and said goodbye in the parking lot on that frigid January day. After nearly four years of being close friends and not having dated since 2006, he informed me that he could not be in communication with me what so ever until he can “get over” me.
I granted him his space without ever being upset. I know this is what he needs. He had an image of marriage in his mind, whereas I went as far as best friends. It wouldn’t be fair to me to have clung to him through a period he so clearly needs to grow as an individual, on his own. However, I do expect him to not be a child about it. Which he proved today that these glimpses of immaturity are one reason why he and I are ultimately incompatible.
I was checking Face Book after Jazz this afternoon. I noticed that Steve had modified his profile a few minutes before. He hasn’t been on Face Book for over six months, so needless to say I was surprised to see him pop up on my feed. I saw an update towards the bottom of the screen that said, “Steve went from single to in a relationship.” I felt a sort of tightening in my chest. Not anger or sadness or fear, but a sort of anticipation mixed with surprise. It is a feeling I rarely get because it is so palpable, but usually occurs right before reading an email of foreboding or great promise, or some type of event like that. This response gave me pause. If I’m having involuntary emotional responses, he is not out of my life and mind. Not that I’ve particularly tried to emotionally expunge him. He said he would come back, and I believe him. However, he is making a fundamental assumption in all of this. He is assuming that he will be able to take all the time he needs, call me when it suits him, and I will still have the same amount of room for him in my life. To an extent, I think that is unfair. He filled a significant need in my life for friendship, for compassion. Him suddenly walking away from me leaves a gaping hole in that regard. He can’t really expect me to suffer through the absence, just waiting for him to “deal”. When he does finally make that call, I’m not so sure things will ever be the same. In an attempt for him to deal with his feelings so radically, I’m afraid the nature of our long term relationship will be irreversibly altered.
He had changed his status to “Steve is going out for his favorite wings with some of his favorite people.” I was struck with this sudden feeling that he was so close. I mean..I haven’t gone this long without as much as a text from him in years. I wanted to let him know somehow that I wasn’t angry. A lot of girls would have gotten in the car that day, and gotten bitter over time and just decided fuck it and move on. I do not feel that way. I want him to be OK, and know he can come back to me whenever he is ready. I didn’t want to post on his profile or do anything that would be too direct in order to respect his wishes. I changed my status to “Carrie is thinking that one of her favorite people is missing.” Later, he made a direct status comment on my profile that said, “He is…but it isn’t his fault.” Damn. Well, congrats, he made me feel another emotion today, pissed off.
When people are bad for one another, it is easy to make a clean break. Looking back isn’t a problem, because I intellectually know that it is destructive and will in no uncertain terms end badly. However, when someone is just not right for me, that is different. “Right” is a relative term. What is right for me now will probably be different than what will be in ten years. These are not necessarily positive or negative characteristics that make up Mr. Right. Whereas relationships that are bad are easily quantifiable and therefore disposed of. Jerry, Marco and more recently and sadly, Joseph…. bad. Steve … just not Mr. Right, Mr. Right now.
In a moment of frustration, Steve has accused me of being disconnected and independant to a fault. Well, Steve, that isn’t true. I wish I were strong enough to let you go entirely, but I’m not. Actually, I’m glad I’m not. Strong is often a word others have used to describe me. If we are being real though, a lot of that “strength” is lack of feeling. I do still care, regardless of why or if it should be. Even in your absence, you are a reminding force that I still have the capacity to care.
- Current Location:amongst my pillows
- Current Mood: frustrated
- Current Music:"Run" Leona Lewis